An Open Letter to People Pleasers

Today, I was on twitter talking with +Katherine Fell, +Donut Mama and +Jenny Bradford about the struggles of saying one of the shortest words in our vocabulary, “No.” The conversation started like this:

I hate saying “No” to opportunities, but I am realizing I cannot be everywhere, do everything and be everyone. Opens doors for others.
— Jennifer (@RealPoshMom) March 13, 2013

This tweet started a great conversation online asking: “Why is it so hard to say “No!”? 

“I don’t want to miss out.”
I struggle with this one the most. I am social person, and I always want to be in the middle of the action. As an entrepreneur, I also don’t want to miss out on opportunity that could further my brand either. Unfortunately, attending events, having coffee meetings and being on TV, can take away a valuable asset that I call, “time.” As I get older I value my time more…with my family, with my close friends and most importantly, alone with God. I need it. It is essential for me to be the best woman that He created me to be.

“I should take care of others first and then myself.”
I find that this statement comes from who we think we should be, not what God wants for us. When we make choices based on an ideal image of ourselves — what a good friend would do, what a good mother would do, what a good wife would do — we end up taking God out of our lives. When you fly on an airplane, the flight attendant instructs you to put your oxygen mask on first, before helping others.  If you run out of oxygen, you can’t help anyone else with their oxygen mask. This is an important metaphor for those of you who run around taking care of everything and everyone else except yourself. If you don’t take care of yourself, you can experience burnout, stress, fatigue, reduced mental effectiveness, health problems, anxiety, frustration, etc. You can read my post here when all of the above happened to me.

If I say “No,” then they will not be my friend.
If this is true, then they were really never your friend. Healthy boundaries create healthy relationships. Boundaries are NOT about selfishness or self-serving. Boundaries are about freedom, and freedom is always meant to have love. You were called to be free.Use your freedom to serve one another in love.

Boundaries are about God’s restoring freedom to us, so that we could take control of our lives to be able to love Him and others. Ultimately, that is the fruit of boundaries, to love out of freedom, and with purpose.

Final thought to those who are around “people pleasers,” offer help don’t just ask them if they need it. Send words of encouragement and affirmation to them. Give them a hug and know that these are the greatest friends that you will ever have, for all they want to do is to make sure that you are loved.